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Stephanie Drenka


Questioning

Don’t wish, don’t start…wishing only wounds the heart (“I’m not that girl” – Wicked) How often it is, that when we seek answers, we are left only with more questions. Maybe it’s not so much that the questions weren’t there to begin with, but that you were not willing to acknowledge their existence out of fear. Socrates taught us that the unexamined life is not worth living. If we don’t question the uncertainties in our lives, can we ever move forward? And if we do question them, how can we ever prepare ourselves for the answers we don’t want to...

Lessons

I have finally gained some sort of clarity as to why my strength has been tested so much in the past few weeks. The disappointment was meant to build and build, and come to this moment–which could either crush me with its weight, or provide the platform from which to make the giant leap I have, until today, been too unsure to make. Things that made absolutely no sense to me before, have finally settled comfortably in my conscious–like a jigsaw puzzle aligning itself steadily. It is with this newfound understanding that I can say this: The ultimate betrayal is...

Melancholy

Grief hits at the oddest of times. One could go on for days without realizing its effects; replacing voids made by uncontrollable loss, or conscious sacrifice with responsibilities, amusements, and/or denial. Then, at nearly three a.m. on a lazy Sunday, you wake up in a cold sweat, heart racing, tears flooding your eyes while they adjust to the light that you turned on because you weren’t sure if you were in the midst of a nightmare and somehow being able to see your surroundings helps reality set in and brings some sense of comfort to a mind suddenly consumed by...

Can’t take the honky tonk outta the girl

So the time has come again, to dust off the cowboy hat, pack up the cowboy boots and head to Twin Lakes, Wisconsin for Country Thunder. For anyone unfamiliar with this spectacular event, it is an annual country music festival, past performers including such well known artists as Rascal Flatts, Tim McGraw, Keith Urban, Martina McBride and more! And it happens to take place in the small town of Wisconsin where my best friend’s family has a lakehouse. Before about six years ago, I was one of those people who when asked what kind of music I liked, I would...

Feels like today

It’s been awhile since I faithfully updated a blog. Although I’m pretty sure anyone who has this url already knows a lot about what’s going on in my life, it felt like I should write about it just in case, or to get some sort of perspective. It is now the summer before my senior year of college. How time has gone by so quickly is beyond me. So much has changed since that first day I stepped into my dorm, and even more has changed in the past two weeks of my life. Three years ago, I was a...

Gay-sian Power

Why are some Asian Americans, despite their understanding of oppression by the dominant culture, so reluctant to ally themselves with the gay community? Lately I’ve been addicted to the Food Network and HGTV. But, I really can’t stand Rachel Ray’s voice for any longer than 5 minutes continuously, so I started flipping through channels. Landed on CSPAN which was showing a debate on gay marriage, hosted by PACE Law School with David Blankenhorn and Evan Wolfson. I think I caught it towards the end, but what I did see was enough to make me turn off the television set after...

The world’s a stage

I had a dream the other night, that I was auditioning for “Footloose” somewhere. I don’t remember specific details, but I did remember being excited at the fact that I was told I had a good chance of getting the role of Rusty. Anyway, I woke up with “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” audiating in my head, and a feeling like something was incredibly wrong. I get this twinge of regret every now and then but I never really deal with it. My answer is just to look forward and move on with my life. People ask me why...

Cognitive Dissonance

I don’t know. I’m so exhausted lately, not getting enough sleep or calories, and maybe my judgment is slightly off. Have you ever had an instant connection to someone? Like from the moment you saw them, you got a sense that they would somehow be important in your life even if you could not understand why at the time? But what if you learned later that that person stood for everything you fight against? How do you resolve that dissonance? Do you believe that people are placed in your life for a reason and that even though on paper they...

Today.

Maybe all we have is now, promises they fade somehow… My life has been sustained by expectations. Expectations that when someone tells me something as truth, I can rest in the knowledge that there are no foul intentions behind that “truth.” When one lie after another begins chipping away the exterior of my peace of mind, my life as I know it–my perceived reality–is threatened. Ask me then, why hold to these expectations if the end result is inevitably disappointment? It is because once you begin to play their game, alter your thoughts and actions around their misdoings, they’ve won...

Be curious, not judgmental (Walt Whitman)

Whether it is towards someone we have just encountered, or a friend we have known for years–judgement rears its ugly head inevitably, and unexpectedly at times. Instead of fearing it, or condemning it (neither of which have given me any peace of mind as of late) I only hope now to transcend its negative impact on me, and not allow it any more power to foster bitterness in my life. I can’t control my predisposition to make assumptions about people any more than the next person–and I certainly can’t expect people to restrain themselves from making generalizations about me. What...

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