Love heals when pain’s too much to bear.
When you reach out your hand, and only the wind is there.
A statement about the unfairness of life is as ubiquitous as the internet’s present Heath Ledger death buzz. I’ve tried to avoid in my writing, stating the obvious. But sometimes you just have those days where… *grits teeth* give a girl a break, okay?
The cold weather makes me cantankerous. And worse than that, it makes me asthmatic. The smoking ban in Chicago has helped my breathing significantly, but the chill has left me awake at night gasping for air. (Don’t worry, I went to the doctor and got medication, so I won’t waste another entry ranting about the congestion in my chest)
My point being– feeling sick or under the weather should be sufficient punishment for any vanity or arrogance that deludes a person into thinking that things are actually going pretty well these days. But apparently, incessant coughing and wheezing is not enough to put me in my place.
As I was leaving the doctor’s office, armed with advair, albuterol, etc, I realized that (besides my parents), I had no one to call. Is that strange? It is my first doctor’s appointment since freshman year, where I left not having someone with whom to share the good or bad news.
I once fell for a boyfriend because he brought me a bag of cough drops at our first meeting because he knew I was sick. He also brought me chicken noodle soup and nyquil when I was incapacitated and hibernating under layers of blankets. Today, during a break from our lecture, I watched a friend (insert question mark or other appropriate marker of ambiguity) talk to, I am presuming, that same boyfriend (because he is hers now). Yet another blinding reminder that I had no one.
Thinking about my looming birthday, Valentine’s Day… in a daze about all the days that once meant something more than, “you are single and pathetic.” I retreat from my thoughts and engross myself in conversations with friends to keep my mind off of my pain. I am met with statements like, “i need to find a girl for valentines day. never spend valentine’s alone” from my guy friend.
her: we should do a girls vday night lol
me: you have a boyfriend
her: yes but still. lol. i feel bad for my single girls
Is it comforting or simply further evidence of how sad the state of singledom is that people pity you for being alone?
And just when I almost reached the point of picking up my phone to scroll through the list of names, you know… scanning over mediocrity wondering how low I might stoop or how little I would be willing to settle for in return for temporary companionship, I stopped to think about those past Valentine’s Days. The ones I were so sure would render this year’s a failure because unlike before, I did not have a valentine. So I typed in a url that I hadn’t visited in ages. Scrolling down a few pages, I found this entry.
Dated February 14, 2005 (freshman year)
I’m getting used to being lonely.
Thank you for teaching me not to be afraid of the dark.
I’m learning to love less.
Becoming accustomed to hurt more.
Finding solace in your silence.
Giving up the search when I stare into emptiness.
My hands feel colder when they’re touching yours.
Ask me if my heart has stopped.
Can’t you feel me suffocating when we kiss?
I close my eyes so I can’t see the indifference in yours.
I don’t trust myself to see the truth.
If only you weren’t so beautiful…
I could stop pretending that we are so beautiful.
Valentine’s Day isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Having someone to spend it with doesn’t mean you are loved. And sometimes, being alone physically is infinitely better than feeling lonely in someone’s arms. So maybe my bout of melancholy is not so different from the bitter tasting prednisone I have to take for my asthma. Unpleasant to the point of discomfort, but it brings with it a certain freedom. Freedom to breathe easier paralleled with a freedom to be alone until you find someone who in being with doesn’t make the loneliness more pronounced. Being on your own isn’t so bad, really. Especially when there is no prescription for a broken heart.