i don’t know how to follow my heart when it feels like my heart is in a million different pieces right now. i want so much to be braver than i am, but deep down i am still the chubby little baby clinging to my mom and dad wanting to hold on to the feeling of security and happiness– a measurement to which nothing else has compared.
i hear my mom’s voice on the phone telling me she loves me and supports me either way, but i hear the deep breathing and the cracks she’s trying to cover. she says that she feels like the adoption agency was unfair to them– not giving them the whole story. it’s almost as if her biggest fear has been realized. is this how i repay them for 22 years of unconditional love?
and my dad… always a pillar of strength. even when his little brother passed away my freshman year of college, he refused to shed a tear because he needed to be the rock for my grandparents now that he is the only son. and i’m his little girl… i know it’s been this way since the beginning, because i see myself burrowing my head into his neck in the video of my arrival. so i know that even though he tells me with full confidence that he is happy for me and can’t wait to have me home for awhile to go to stars games with him, he’s afraid that saying otherwise will weaken him in my eyes.
my brother. in the excitement and shock of learning i have two biological sisters, i neglected to call my brother to tell him about my trip to korea. my mom had to remind me– saying that she thinks his feelings were hurt. he tries to convince me not to go by pointing out that i will have to set up my own bank account there. he knows me well– scared of anything having to do with finances or numbers.
what happened to my life?
two months ago everything was so simple. today, everything is in pieces. i don’t know how to compartmentalize my feelings anymore. i can’t keep pushing everyone away because i am afraid of having to factor other people into my decisions. i don’t like who i’ve become– ignoring my friends, sleeping through phone calls when i was supposed to be meeting people for dinner… consciously avoiding great guys or giving them the quintessential cold shoulder because i have told myself repeatedly not to fall for anyone and mess up the fragile plans i have drawn.
trying to weigh one opportunity over the other– choose which dream to follow– when i don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. realizing that maybe the only person i have to blame for that discontent is me. desperately seeking a chance to “find myself” as if i am not enough today. have i left too much to chance? or maybe i am missing my destiny because i am so short sighted. afraid to be vulnerable, trying to be courageous… is it worth the cost of being alone?