Women can form a friendship with a man very well; but to preserve it–to that end a slight physical antipathy must probably help.
– Friedrich Nietzche
I know this sounds selfish, but… I really needed you. Despite the fact that our lives are in completely separate directions and talking to each other now would probably do more harm than good, it hurt that I was going through the most difficult period of my life, and you have completely disappeared. Through the past few weeks when I was tearing myself apart trying to figure out the right thing to do– I needed your guidance. You were the one person who could tell me I would achieve greatness, and I’d believe you.
I didn’t go back on my promise to myself two months ago. I gave myself a week to grieve, and resigned myself in the knowledge that you have a beautiful future ahead to share with someone you love.
But I miss you. Not in the way one might expect, but in the way that… without you, I have no one to get me through awkward dates by sending clever, snarky text messages throughout dinner. I was always afraid that the next guy I met would pale in comparison to you– that he’d be an easy target– like the rest were– for you to poke fun at, creating amusing nicknames based on their caricatured flaws. To that end, I lost interest in men altogether. I have a feeling, in your hypocritical way, this might have given you some satisfaction.
As strong as I thought I was, and for as much resistance as I put up– I think someone may have crept in recently. I think, perhaps, it was because I see the best of you in him. In fact, I see qualities that I loved from all the important men in my life when I look at him. This is both a curse and a blessing, because I have to try that much harder not to let the not so good memories of those men influence my interactions.
Maybe because you were the last person to touch it, my heart feels most afraid when reminded of you. I don’t idealize my ex-boyfriends and if anything am more grateful that I saw their true colors after the fact, because I know it was not my loss. So I guess that’s why I feel a bit paralyzed right now. Wishing that our story would have ended the way we said it should– as great friends.