I shared the photo above today as a reminder to myself and clarification for others about why I do what I do.
When a family member left a comment on my Facebook post last night expressing her support for Trump, I had several options. I could ignore her. I could apologize for my beliefs and cower to her right to express her own. I could have taken the conversation offline. But since she chose to reply to a public post, it seemed appropriate to say what I needed to say right there. I wanted people to see what transracial adoptees face and show others we can be courageous and speak hard truth with real consequences.
These are gut-wrenching, painful conversations to have for all of us. Transracial adoptees, in particular – who were raised in white families around privilege and “colorblindness” – are often dismissed when they try to share their concerns and experiences with racism.
Saying in one breath that you love me, but still support Trump unequivocally holds so much cognitive dissonance. These are not normal times where we can agree to disagree. The lives and civil rights of women, people of color, the LGBTQI+ community are all at stake. Truly loving me – in the way that every person deserves to be loved – cannot be outweighed by the support of a president who espouses hateful rhetoric and enacts dangerous policies against me and my people.
I am grateful for everyone who jumped into the fray with me yesterday or sent private messages of solidarity. We are not alone. No matter what people say in an attempt to hurt or gaslight us. Racism is real. It is pervasive. Toxic. Infecting even those closest to our lives. We are all cogs in a system that many are unwilling to acknowledge exists– let alone help dismantle.
I love my family, but I don’t do what I do for them. I do it for the people who weren’t given the privileges my family members have and need to know someone cares and will fight for their humanity. Even when the people who love us won’t.
“Remember: white supremacy is not a shark; it’s the water.”
You have “family” in MN should you ever need us. We welcome all with open arms and hearts.
Thank you, Paula! I’ll take all the extra welcoming family I can find these days. Appreciate you.
I had an almost identical conversation with one of my sisters. Heartbreaking and infuriating all rolled in to one…Thanks for speaking on this, just another huge burden and loss for some of us to bear. Sometimes severing ties is the solution, but easier said than done when it’s family.
One of the hardest things I’ve experienced/done. Again– these are not normal times. But I had to ask myself what her presence in my life was actually worth… when she didn’t even know me well enough to realize how I would probably react to her comments. She’s obviously taken zero interest in my work/career/activism over the past years and offered nothing in support.
My daughter, adopted from Guatemala, and I understand this all too well. You are brave for standing up for yourself and looking out for your well being. We pray for you for strength and safety- you have two more “family” in IL ❤️
Thank you, Robin. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I’d imagine she’s feeling it tenfold right now. At least I’m in a privileged state right now where Asians aren’t the direct target of Trump’s rhetoric (yet).
Thank you, thank you. You so eloquently wrote what my daughters (Chinese) and I talk about regularly. Thankfully my immediate family (so all grandparents and my brother’s family) are all on the same page. The extended family – some of them are not. So we choose to not see them and/or like you, express our truths without concern for their feelings as much as concern about my daughters’ feelings and the feelings of those like them. Your writing will help my girls not feel so alone.
Thank you, Kelly!! What I wish people would understand is that it’s not that I flat out don’t care about those family members– it’s just that I know they will be fine under Trump’s regime and in their spaces of privilege. Their need for my voice and energy is just not there.
I have to prioritize where my time and love will have the most impact. Even though I don’t have children myself, it’s for the ones like your daughter who haven’t yet come into their full power and need an advocate who understands what they are experiencing or will someday.
Your courage is breath-taking. Thank you for sharing and modeling for me what I need to do in defense of my Guatemalan-born daughter. Allies, including adoptive parents, need to be doing this work, too, and not leaving it entirely up to you.
Thank you so much, Patricia. I needed to read your comment today, and remind myself that it’s okay to pass the baton to allies when we need time to recover. Appreciate you being there to carry the work forward for your daughter and the rest of us.