I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.
– Calvin and Hobbes
Oh Billy Ocean and your melodic command to escape from the realm of the subliminal and get into your automobile. If only it were that simple.
Dreams. Wishes that your heart makes? Or sadistic reveries meant to remind you of what will never be? Both?
A little piece of wisdom. Never, ever go to bed congratulating yourself on how far you’ve come, and how few the thoughts of a person you thought you were getting over have been. Any imagined progress will be completely in vain, because those final thoughts before sleeping will dictate the plot-line of your dreams.
Micah asked me the other day over 10 cent wings at McGee’s who this song was in reference to, and proceeded to list names of possible subjects. The litany of past heartbreak not only reminded me of how many times I have been hurt in the few years that Micah has known me, but how little quantity of time has to do with intensity of feelings. He started with the person I had been with for the longest period, and subtracted from that point.
It occurred to me that the person who I spent the most time in a relationship with, means significantly less to me than someone with whom I spent very few moments without being in a relationship.
I think, perhaps, that it makes sense from a mathematical perspective. (But, bear with me as most of you know that this is my least knowledgeable subject).
The amount of pain you feel due to the absence of a person or lack of togetherness is polar to the time you spent in each others’ presence. Remembering years worth of experiences with one person is nothing compared to the what ifs, almosts, and maybes of someone you were with for an insufficient amount of time. In the division of figures, it is the remainder that lingers.
You didn’t have the chance to learn what you hated about that person. Maybe their ugly side never surfaced. The brief duration left less time for cruel words to be said, lies to be uncovered. Versus a long-term relationship where you saw each other at the lowest moments. You spent enough time working through problems to realize that some can never be solved, and perhaps weren’t meant to be.
And then you find a man who is everything that you have been waiting for, who possesses the qualities that make you loathe everyone who does not share said qualities, because you know that it’s possible for someone to be this wonderful and for crying out loud… why can’t everyone else get a clue and be more like him?
But he’s unavailable, in a clear, distinct, and tangible way. Not just like the emotionally unavailable men with phobias of commitment or romance. The very opposite in fact… a man with the unique desire to be devoted entirely to one woman for the rest of his life. A woman, however, who is most assuredly and decidedly NOT you.
Knowledge of this factor should be enough to keep you away, except that you also know how amazing life is when you are around this person, or even talking to/thinking about them. Maybe if given more time, you could walk away with valid bullet points to direct your mind to as reasons why you should be grateful to say goodbye. You could say, “He was wrong because of that, that and that” instead of wanting to scream “I am right for you because of this, this, and this.”
You are making a mistake.
Yes… life would be so much easier if I could look you in the eye and say, “you are making a mistake”—
… only because then I would not have to admit to myself, that the mistake has already been made, and it was mine and mine alone.
I dreamt about you last night. In the dream, I saw and chastised you for not saying goodbye. I woke in tears, a sensation I have not experienced in a long time, wondering why I expected a goodbye. Neither of us is going anywhere, really. And actually, most of the time we’ve spent has not been in each other’s physical company. There’s no reason for you to say goodbye to me.
What I need to say goodbye to is the false hope. I don’t say false to imply that you were somehow untrue or deceitful in your motivations or actions. The only pretension was on my own part, in foolishly trusting my heart over all reason. The hope gained through completely selfish behavior.
I have to bid farewell to any uncertainty about our future. Say goodbye to the part of me who tried to convince myself this weekend would never happen. I always knew it would, though. I never doubted the reality of it for a minute. I just thought by this time I would be less affected by its imminent actualization.
I need to let go of the egotistical freedom I have granted myself in how I remember you. Need to rid myself of the tendency to make myself the victim, when I had full agency every step of the way. More importantly… I need to stop dreaming about you. Seriously… subconscious, just STOP.
… and I must, must, must say goodbye to the wonder of whether or not you’re haunted by similar dreams.