n. A feeling of restlessness, excitement, or laziness brought on by the coming of spring.
I absolutely love my spring quarter schedule. My professors are wonderful, the topics are interesting, and my classmates are tolerable. As much as I’m looking forward to catching up on sleep tonight, I’m surprisingly underwhelmed by the prospect of the week ending. I guess it’s just nice to feel productive again. And to have school to keep my mind occupied and distracted from more stressful thoughts.
I’m trying to remain optimistic. I’m hopeful when I look out the office window as I’m getting ready to leave work, and I see that it is still sunny outside. I’m still TERRIFIED for the future, but, all the same, ready for the next chapter in my life. I’m lonely, though. I can say that, it’s my blog… and I don’t care if it goes against everything that independent women of my generation are supposed to stand for… I don’t like the idea of spending another season alone. I want someone to share adventures, to savor the warm weather with, to remember what I love about this city, since it appears that I will be spending a lot more time here.
When I was bored and suffering from writer’s block before, I was going to answer the “Five on Friday. I stopped when I read, 2. When was the last time you held hands with someone?
That’s it. That is what I miss. Holding hands, security, the feeling that with this person by your side, you are ready to take on the world. That their strength and faith in your potential is channeled through your interlocking fingertips. That if you feel the slightest ounce of pain, you can squeeze the palm of the person you love to assuage it.
I don’t know what it is about this transitional period between Winter and Spring, but I’m so agitated. I guess it’s better than being depressed. It’s not that I’m frustrated because I don’t think there’s any hope– it’s more that, I have so much hope that it’s spilling out and I can’t funnel it towards a specific end. If that makes any sense. Probably not.
I’m ready to fall in love again. Being jaded is exhausting. Walking around life being suspicious and guarded warrants no satisfaction. I have been hurt so much this year… but if I survived that… I can handle whatever else comes along. I know that I’m ready this time, not because I just don’t like being single, but because I’ve seen what I’m capable of being on my own, and it’s restored my self confidence.
I want to share myself with someone else again. Not give everything to them to the point where there’s nothing left for me, like I’ve done before. And not to someone undeserving. I’ve been alone long enough to realize that being single is not the worst situation in the world. I’ve felt more lonely in relationships than I do now, and there is no reason for me to settle for less than happiness, when the alternative is not so bad. But it’s just this transient time, where I know what I want, and look ubiquitously for it…
Where is he!?