“Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs
While shopping for last-minute holiday gifts earlier this month, I added a pack of tarot cards to my cart on a whim. Knowing very little about tarot, mysticism, and the like- it seemed more of a frivolous, fun purchase than anything. Going into the New Year (Decade!!), I wanted to create more space for reflection and mindfulness. A daily tarot card draw and journaling would be an intentional ritual I could do every morning.
After my first week of this exercise, I started to feel more peaceful and assured. The cards were not telling fortunes or predicting the future, but confirming what I already felt in my heart and gut. The imagery and symbols forced me to slow down and face truths I’d been avoiding or needing to address. It was simultaneously foreign and natural to me. Empowered by this new tool, I started exploring more complex spreads- reflecting on the past year and determining what I need to bring into 2020. I began thinking deeply about the past ten years and everything leading me to this New Year’s Eve.
Last decade’s theme may as well have been lost and found. At the end of 2009, I was struggling to see myself clearly again after a relationship with a malignant narcissist who had gaslighted me to the point of unrecognition. Years of searching for my birth family culminated in a life-changing reunion and even more unanswered questions. I met and married my husband, learning how to navigate new family dynamics and relationships. I fought my nature to conform in jobs and workplaces that weren’t meant for me. Opinions of others drowned out my voice. Going off on my own last year was a leap of faith that helped me reclaim it. I spent so much time searching for myself, not realizing that I was here all along.
In her book Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe, Laura Lynne Jackson writes, “Each of us is born with an innate ability to make a meaningful difference in the world, regardless of who we are or what we do.”
The process of writing a memoir showed me how much of my life has always been filled with magical thinking. The mistake was not recognizing how much of it was within me. While my intuition has always been strong, I haven’t always been strong enough to trust it. So that’s what I want for 2020. Now that I’ve found my voice again, it’s time to listen to it. Happy New Year, everyone!