“I tried for a short time to be something I wasn’t, and had no success with it. It’s a practical solution to just be yourself.” (Kate McKinnon)
I’ve been in a funk these past few weeks, and couldn’t figure out how to name the cause. But, I think it boils down to not feeling quite like myself. This weekend, I finally had a completely free day. I can’t remember the last weekend where I didn’t have a work event, photoshoot, or other obligation. It gave me time to sit with those aforementioned feelings– uncomfortably.
I realized how much of my energy lately has been channeled into trying to prove my worth. Exhausting my body and mind as a demonstration of work ethic, instead of prioritizing self-care. The combination of anxiety and fatigue brings out the worst in my INFJ self. I start overanalyzing everything. I replay every word spoken, read between lines, invent conflict, and forget the things that make me me. Imposter Syndrome is real, and when paired with a high level of stress, it can feel crippling.
After a particularly deflating afternoon yesterday, I drove straight from work to Walgreens and bought two boxes of hair dye. It had been years since I’d seen myself in my natural state. I couldn’t remember what I looked like with black hair, or how I felt without a self-inflicted, proverbial ton of bricks on my shoulders.
I rinsed the dye from my hair, but what I thought would be some grand renewal felt more like an awkward introduction to a distant acquaintance from the past. Getting back to yourself isn’t as easy coloring your hair; it takes more than 25 minutes to develop. But, it’s a start. And, though I can’t speak from direct experience yet, I believe it’s worth it.
I feel you 100%, and any time I dye my hair darker is for this exact same reason. A reset. Just reminding myself of who I truly am. Any color looks great on you but happiness, contentment, peace, and satisfaction is the perfect look on you ?❤️
Stephanie Drenka says
Thank you, Denise!! You nailed it. In need of a mental and physical reset… one step closer to that peace.
You are lovely, just as you are. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that in the midst of everything swirling around us. I find for me, I am so much happier when I can see myself in it and sometimes she gets lost in all the noise. Glad you found an access point.
html color says
You are amazing the way you are.