“I tried for a short time to be something I wasn’t, and had no success with it. It’s a practical solution to just be yourself.” (Kate McKinnon)
I’ve been in a funk these past few weeks, and couldn’t figure out how to name the cause. But, I think it boils down to not feeling quite like myself. This weekend, I finally had a completely free day. I can’t remember the last weekend where I didn’t have a work event, photoshoot, or other obligation. It gave me time to sit with those aforementioned feelings– uncomfortably.
I realized how much of my energy lately has been channeled into trying to prove my worth. Exhausting my body and mind as a demonstration of work ethic, instead of prioritizing self-care. The combination of anxiety and fatigue brings out the worst in my INFJ self. I start overanalyzing everything. I replay every word spoken, read between lines, invent conflict, and forget the things that make me me. Imposter Syndrome is real, and when paired with a high level of stress, it can feel crippling.
After a particularly deflating afternoon yesterday, I drove straight from work to Walgreens and bought two boxes of hair dye. It had been years since I’d seen myself in my natural state. I couldn’t remember what I looked like with black hair, or how I felt without a self-inflicted, proverbial ton of bricks on my shoulders.
I rinsed the dye from my hair, but what I thought would be some grand renewal felt more like an awkward introduction to a distant acquaintance from the past. Getting back to yourself isn’t as easy coloring your hair; it takes more than 25 minutes to develop. But, it’s a start. And, though I can’t speak from direct experience yet, I believe it’s worth it.