I threw on a white shirtdress yesterday to take photos for this blog post. I wanted to write about the new self-tanner I’d added to my beauty arsenal and how to perfect that safer-at-home faux glow.
As I pressed the shutter remote, it wasn’t just my sun-kissed skin that felt artificial. I’d been repressing my emotions and couldn’t keep fighting them. A wave of grief hit me. Or a tsunami, rather.
I lost a family member to COVID-19 on Monday morning. Maybe I thought slathering on bronzing mousse would somehow mask the sadness. Or the right shade of lip balm would elicit a smile.
I’d scrubbed myself raw with exfoliating gloves before applying the “ultra dark” shade. It was supposed to help prevent patches of color from forming on dry areas (like knees or elbows).
I’ve been mistakenly presuming my body was ready for this grand metamorphosis. But it’s easier said than done to shed skin that’s been a comfortable home for so many years. I started repeating something a friend had texted me the day before: “It’s totally okay, if you’re not okay.” It’s totally okay, if you’re not okay.
And so, I cried. A long, ugly, messy, salty cry. Sure, there are brightening treatments to reduce puffiness under eyes afterward. Even with all the hydrating benefits, though–it won’t stop the tears from streaming. Sometimes, all you can do is let them flow.
The sun’s UV rays are harmful and cancer-causing. Self-tanning products can be a healthy alternative. A faux outer glow is great, but we shouldn’t have to feign an inner one.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s a time to fight stigma and normalize not being okay. Even on our bad days, we are not alone. None of us have to fake it.
Absolutely LOVE this message. Thank you for saying the things that so many do not have the strength to say. It’s totally okay, if you’re not okay – THIS. Sending love and light to you!
Thank you so much, Kaila. I appreciate you and your light!
I’m really sorry for your loss – even more so that right now we’re forced to process grief alone. You’re one of the strongest people I know and even so, it’s almost like we need to give ourselves permission to fall apart. Sending you an enormous ‘e-hug’.
Thank you, Tara. You’re so right. Sometimes it seems like a conscious choice to feel or not, when we need to let ourselves heal naturally. Virtual hugs to you!
Thank you Stephanie for this message. So sorry for the loss of your loved one. I have friends who lost loved one’s from COVID-19 and another who recovered from it. I have struggled for over a month in writing a blog post about what I am feeling. One day I will finish and “it’s okay to not be okay” as you mentioned. Right now all of this uncertainty and loss is overwhelming.
I’m sorry for your loss as well. I look forward to reading your blog post someday when you’re ready. And seeing you again sooner than later.
I love the juxtaposition of how as you care for yourself, things that allow you to love yourself, the tears flow. We’d think those things would make the tears unnecessary, but it’s the opposite. Just like a friend telling you they love you and giving you a hug is usually the invitation into the safe space of their arms that you need to let loose a good cry. We can be that for ourselves. We can create rituals that let our soul now it doesn’t have to push itself to the side and just make it anymore – it’s safe to come back into ourselves.
Beautiful, Baranda!! We can be our own safe space right now. *Sanctuary*
It’s okay not to be okay #KADs
Needs to be our KAD motto haha
Stephanie,
I am so sorry about the death of a family member to this viscous disease. Dealing with grief is hard enough but doing so alone has to be really tough. Your musings inspire us. Please continue to take care of yourself. ❤️
Thank you so much, Anne. I will!