I’m no stranger to the concept of starting over or beginning again. I’ve had quite a bit of practice in the past, and sometimes it seems like I’ve experienced several different lives in the span of three decades. My newest tattoo reads, “Not all those who wander are lost” (a line from a Tolkien poem) and was inspired by graffiti I found while exploring Chicago one day back in college, trying to figure out what to do after graduation.
I’ve recently felt a familiar sense of aimlessness after having retired from blogger photography. Something that had once brought me such inspiration and joy now left me feeling anxious, used, and exasperated. I didn’t realize the full extent of the toll it had taken on me, until I was fully out of it. And yet, for more than a year, photography had defined me. It gave me purpose, a moderate amount of notoriety, and a creative outlet.
I’ve been fighting off a sense of resentment for allowing myself to get to the point where I felt as unappreciated and overworked as I did, without doing something to correct the situation before I reached a breaking point. But I have to continue believing that things happen for a reason, and it was just the right time to move on and make room for other possibilities.
In the moments where I start asking myself who I am if I’m not a photographer, I am reminded that in the grand scheme of things, I was just barely a photographer in the first place. Photography was a hobby that I picked up again after years had passed. I remember that in this lifetime, I’ve also been a performer, a writer, an activist– I’ve had many passions besides taking photos of other people, and now I have the time to spend rediscovering them.
Instead of wondering what to do with all of this free time now that I’m not shooting, or worrying that I’ve lost my identity in changing courses, I’m going to get back to the essentials… the core of me. My mom is going to let me have her piano, so I can play again and drown the silence of empty moments with music. I’m going to set aside time every day for creative writing and reflection, maybe finally getting around to authoring the book I promised to start if I ever found my birth family. I will find new ways to give back to the community and become more engaged in advocacy again. Passing time in the eventual renewal of all the favorite things about myself that had become overshadowed.
Allow me to re-introduce myself…
Mai Lyn Ngo says
You go girl! Can’t wait to see all you’ll accomplish!
Stephanie Drenka says
Thanks, Mai Lyn!! HUGS!
Sevi says
Hi Stephanie!
I’m glad your back. This is the Stephanie I know and have loved since we danced at Midnight Rodeo! Let’s do that again soon!
Stephanie Drenka says
I wonder if it’s still open haha!! Ladies night at Cowboys??
Alex Good says
Whoa! This is a tad eery as my mom and I were just having this conversation. We were saying how if we lost it all, that we would still be us. I think that it’s amazing that you took a leap towards your happiness, and that you didn’t let that role/hobby define you. If it’s any consolation you are more to me than just a photographer (an amazing one at that) to me! I cannot wait to see where this next chapter takes you 🙂
Stephanie Drenka says
Thank you, Alex!! That’s so kind <3 So important to stay true to yourself and not forget your core values. My blogger friends and I talk a lot about what would happen if all of this went away some day, and I think about some of the people in this industry who have forgotten how to be decent humans because they're so wrapped up in success/money now... priorities.
Valery says
Looooove this. And you are still a photographer, you’re just doing it on your own terms now <3
Edye says
Such a cute, casual outfit! Have a lovely weekend xx
Blessings,
Edye | http://gracefulcoffee.wordpress.com