Dear Myka (and obligatory Instagram husband James),
You represent the worst of both influencer marketing and adoption. I know, because I’ve been deeply engrained in each world. On the surface, the industries seem to have nothing in common. But—in the wrong hands—they are two sides of the same exploitative coin.
Publicizing the adoption story (read: trauma) of a child too young to give consent is bad enough, re-abandoning him when things got hard for you is almost unspeakable, but collecting a profit at his expense is a whole new level of insidiousness. So I have one question for you now: was it worth it?
I see you and your bright Instagram feed, Myka. It used to be my job to help “influencers” like you optimize your online presence and monetize your content. While working at a company called rewardStyle, I saw how much money could be earned from one YouTube video or Instagram photo.
Even on the lower end of Google Adsense’s average rate, let’s say $.01 per view, your (former) adopted son Huxley’s “Gotcha Day” video—which garnered more than 5 million views before you changed the privacy settings this week— could have made you upwards of $50,000.
Not to mention the commission you earned from those Amazon short urls listed in the description of your videos. The seemingly innocuous product recommendations from a fraudulent parenting expert put money in your pocket any time someone followed a link and purchased something from the website (even for days after the original click took place).
The disclaimer at the bottom of each caption releasing you from liability for any damage incurred as a result of your content should be permanently tattooed on your forehead.
As a lifestyle blogger, I understand the lure of sponsored content, giveaways, and affiliate networks. But having been adopted from South Korea at the age of three months, I know that nothing you’ve earned from sharing your adoption journey will ever make up for the long-term damage to Huxley’s mental and physical well-being.
“When the adoptee is separated from her birth mother, she undergoes extensive trauma. She will not remember this trauma, but it will stay in her subconscious as she lived it.”
– Nancy Verrier, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child
Adoption is trauma. Many adult adoptees, myself included, are working every day to heal from ours. Did you know that we’re four times more likely to attempt suicide than people who weren’t adopted? Maybe this fact “went in one ear and out the other” like the warning from an expert about the severity of Huxley’s medical needs. If you’d spent more time reading through posts with the hashtag #adopteevoice instead of co-opting it for your own use, perhaps you would have heard our stories of pain and grief.
But, I suppose you chose the fairy-tale narrative of adoption, because it was more marketable. You and James are the textbook definition of White Saviorism; using terms like “orphan” to describe children whose families of origin weren’t privileged with the resources you have. When I found my birth mother in Korea as an adult, she told me that when I was born, she wanted to hold me until she died. Unfortunately, she lived in poverty and a country whose patriarchal values empowered my abusive birth father to relinquish me against her will.
How much money did you amass with the “fundraiser” to pay for Huxley’s adoption from China? Those pesky fees can get pretty steep. Can you imagine what Huxley’s birth parents could have done with $20,000-40,000? If you truly wanted to help “orphans” from other countries, there were other ways of providing resources besides convincing yourself that you were entitled to parent someone else’s child. All the money, opportunity, “good” intentions, and you still failed miserably. What a waste.
You told your followers this would never happen. After receiving his autism diagnosis, you said, “He’s our son and that’s that. We’re not gonna trade him in, we’re not gonna return him. He’s our boy.” Behind that false promise, it was clear even then how you truly saw Huxley- as merchandise.
We may never know how much income you and your husband earned at the expense of Huxley’s privacy and dignity. Although, we did notice the luxury Bali vacation you took with the rest of your family shortly after he mysteriously disappeared from your posts. I’ll admit, it has been awfully vindicating to watch your brand partnerships drop like flies. How does it feel to be tossed aside like yesterday’s garbage, Myka? Because, that’s just a mere taste of the abandonment adoptees face over their lifetimes.
When given the chance to atone for your despicable actions, you played the victim card and doubled-down on narcissism. You defended your choice by saying “Huxley wanted this decision 100%.” So you were either successful in gaslighting a four-year-old, non-verbal child OR you’re putting words in his mouth for your own gain. For the life of me, I can’t decide which is worse.
At the end of the day, this letter is not for you, Myka Stauffer. It is clear from your pathetic attempt to defend your actions, you are not interested in accepting culpability or telling the truth needed for real healing. The clickbait headlines, vapid articles and posts, fake White lady tears– all trash. You’ve even monetized your “apology” video with ads; laughing all the way to the bank.
This letter is for Huxley (or whatever name he claims someday as his own). For the day he realizes his most personal trauma was not only promoted and publicized for the world to see, the people entrusted with his protection profited from that pain.
We’ve known your heartbreak, too. The adult adoptees following your story felt the agony in our bones. It’s been engrained in our DNA since infancy. It may be difficult to see the words or hear our voices. Myka is doing what so many in this industry have before—deleting our comments, blocking us from engaging, trying to make us feel as though our experiences don’t have a place in the narrative. But your story matters. Our stories matter. And they are only ours to tell, if and when we decide it feels right.
Please remember this, Huxley. Repeat it as many times as you need to until it becomes as much a part of your story as the trauma. You are not disposable. We fought for you long after Myka and and James gave up. You weren’t alone, and you never will be again.
I agree with you 100%, I am to adoptee who got deported back to korea. I am so upset with them, thay act like we are property to do whatever they want to do with. Can u find out where he is at. Thank you.
I’m so sorry you were forced out of your home country. Hope you are managing okay in Korea. People are investigating his whereabouts- I’ll try and keep this post updated.
I was abandoned by my birth mother and then my first adopted parents and I had developmental issues like Huxley and reading this had me in tears. We recognize your trauma Huxley and I’m sorry it happened to be ou.
I could never say this how you did but I am so glad you wrote this and spoke up for Huxley, yourself, and others.
Thank you, Luana! I tried to do him justice.
Agreed! Thank you for writing this and caring about his life and his personal narrative. Each of our stories are personal and ours alone to share. Your words are spot on!
That’s an absolutely wonderful piece of writing. I am a better person for reading it. Thank you.
I’m also an adoptee.
Well said.
While crying through the article of anger, sadness, and hope.
Perfectly well said.
Thank you, Brianna. We are crying together! <3
Thank you for this! My brother is an adoptee and I could never, ever picture my life without him. He is ours as much as we are his which is why Huxley’s story broke my heart so deeply. Your stories matter and know many of us stand with you. Much love.
Absolutely! I didn’t even touch on the grief/trauma the Stauffers’ biological kids must be enduring at the loss of their sibling. Too much cruelty to bear.
Thank you for writing this, Stephanie. I wish more people could see and call this out for what it was/is: human trafficking. With child abuse mixed in. I truly hope the active county investigation into the Stauffers leads to some type of charge, but when that inevitably won’t happen, at the absolute bare minimum, new legislation that will prevent private “re-homing” in the state of Ohio, if not across America. Ugh.
Exactly. 100% human trafficking, child exploitation, emotional and physical abuse. Wrong on every level. If they aren’t brought to justice, at least maybe a future (prospective) adoptive parent will think twice before partaking in similar behaviors.
The points made in the post needed to be called out, and the lived experience you bring to it elevates the conversation, so thank you for that. A point I’d like to add is the rebid ableism of this couple. The beginning of their plan not to keep him was in their denial they made when they received the ASD diagnosis. The idea that he was damaged and would take too much energy away from their narcissistic lifestyles exacerbates the trauma of abandonment.
*rabid
Exactly!! Thank you. This was trafficking and they should be prosecuted for these actions
Thanks for this. I’m also adopted. Twice abandoned. I hope everyone unsubscribe’s from Stauffer Garage as well.
Thank you for this! As a Korean Adoptee myself I was enraged when I read about her and her husband. I’m 36 years old and I’m STILL working through my abandonment issues. Don’t get me wrong my white parents are some of the most loving and caring people I know, but that doesn’t take away from my trauma. So again, thank you for speaking out and thank you for being here. Sending love, light, and laughter during these dark times.
Me too, Aubrey. It’s a neverending journey. So much for people to learn now that this case has been publicized… I hope they do better now that they know better.
I agree with alot of the things said however, constantly repeating “white lady” or “white lady tears”, may not be considered racist or offensive to most but it somewhat diminshes your message in the sense that your speech starts off powerful with a powerful message of hope but turns into you lashing out and name calling which kind of puts you on her level in the sense that your putting race into it…this situation in my opinion is not only heart breaking but its inconceivable because she used this child for profit and it seems like he was nothing more than an accessory to her to make her look better in the public eye…however, this situation is not at all more or less angering because of race…everyone needs to stop bringing up race…this is horrible because i child was disowned…it wouldnt be any less horrible if the mother was chinese and the baby black would it? Or any other race for that fact..so keep race out of it…the other thing i strongly disagree with tho im not saying its not at all true but i do not believe all adoptees have trauma burned in their psyche and are therefore more likely to commit suicide over other people and my opinion is that from personal experience…i gave up a child for adoption rather than making my unborn child pay for my mistake with his life…and not only does he know he is adopted but he knows i love him and he knows he was given because i didnt want him but that i did so so that he could have a chance at a life that i was too young to give him and the best present i ever got was a letter from him thanking me for not aborting him and that he knows how much i must have loved him because i didnt settle and i found him the best parents he could ever have asked for ..obviously not all adoptees or foster kids have happy beginning or endings but dont catagorize everyone together and say they all have inner trauma because they dont.
I second this comment! I’m also an adoptee from Korea. Stephanie, this is extremely well written! I can’t even begin to fathom the suffering, pain and agony this little boy has gone through and will continue to go through for his whole life. Thank you for using your gift of writing to share such a powerful message.
Thankyou Stephanie!! Powerful home truths!! Yes we adoptees stand together against the Stauffer family and what they’ve done! Our hearts are with Huxley!!
Many of us have shared our anger and it is so wonderful to see adoptee voices rise and say it as it is!!
Here’s a list so far.
https://transracialeyes.wordpress.com/2020/05/30/aps-and-theft-of-narrative/
https://redthreadbroken.wordpress.com/2020/05/30/myka-stauffer-an-adoption-fantasy-unraveled/
https://gal-dem.com/huxley-adoption-story-youtube-stauffers-is-part-of-a-larger-narrative-race-disability-and-abuse/
https://www.mother.ly/news/myka-stauffer-adoption
https://taylorshennett.wordpress.com/2020/05/27/a-chinese-adoptee-addressing-adoption-rehoming/
https://intercountryadopteevoices.com/2020/05/29/adoption-like-this-has-to-stop/
Thank you for sharing this list!! What a great resource.
Thank you for writing this. You have succinctly summed up exactly how I feel. As an adoptee, this whole situation has exposed to me that my greatest subconscious fear has always been that if I was ‘too hard’ or ‘too difficult’ I would again be abandoned. Thank you for speaking out for those who can’t or don’t have the platform!
You’re welcome, Jasmine. The only reason I was able to write about it is because I’ve felt it so acutely myself. We have to remind ourselves (and each other) that we are worthy and not disposable.
I’ve written much about our grief and trauma, and tried several times to write about this. I couldn’t. It was so triggering, it suffocated my voice. So thank you so much for using yours.
Thank you, Mindy. I was so triggered as well. It took several days of typing things like “Myka is trash. TRASH TRASH TRASH. You are the WORST. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns” before the real stuff came through.
This is so well written. I’m devastated by this story and grateful you shared it. Praying for that sweet boy that his new life will be filled with love, acceptance, and joy.
Thank you for writing this. I am too saddened to hear that sent H away. I do not know them at all but until I heard them through recent news. I was frustrated about how much they have shared about H in social media and he had no privacy at before he was sent with another family. But all of sudden, they say it is for his privacy/dignity. It is heartbreaking hearing about H’s story. I really hope H is in a safe, healthy and loving family.
I have been obsessed with learning about perspectives from adoptees like yourself, adoptive parents, parents of neuro-atypical children, grown children with autism, and just parents in general after Myka and James’ ‘rehoming’ video. (It’s hard to even write rehoming in the context of a child, but I digress…)
Their actions are offensive to nearly everyone who has a compassionate bone in their body.
My heart breaks for Huxley. I can only imagine the confusion, heartbreak, and the multitude of other emotions he must feel without being able to fully comprehend and process them at five years old.
The level of narcissism her and her husband have shown just for the sake of being ‘influencers’ is repulsive. I’m not much into cancel culture, but I sure hope that they never, ever go back to making videos, especially under the guise of being ‘family vloggers’.
Thank you for sharing your story, I truly appreciate your perspective on the matter.
Stephanie, thank you for posting this. As a Korean adoptee, my heart breaks for Huxley and the situation he was forced into. Adoption was an act meant to be so pure and that has drastically changed. I appreciate your words and your boldness to give adoptees a voice. You’re amazing.
Thank you for reading, Rachel. Yes, adoption is complex– and sadly these types of situations happen more often than people realize. Hopefully this community will keep pushing for systemic change.
As a white mother whose child is a Korean adoptee (home just three months today), thank you for these words. We need more voices like yours in the world.
Thank you for taking the time to learn from adoptee experiences, Emily. We hope we are making changes that will help impact your child’s future.
Thank you for writing this. I would looooooove to see their adoption agency address this as well—I’m interesting in hearing what work they are doing as a private company to prevent adoptees from getting lost in the system such as this.
Well said. I hope that Huxley get’s the help and love he needs.
Thank you for writing this. Myka and James are horrible human beings. I have never been so angry with anyone ever. They don’t deserve to be parents.
I just want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this. I wish someone had written my adoptive parents a letter like this. When things got difficult for them when I was 13, they sent me to two different foster homes, a group home and then both my maternal and paternal grandparents homes. I became pregnant at 17 not long after I finally moved back home with my “mom”; as soon as she found out I was kicked out again. As an adult (actually only within the last couple years) I realized that aside from three, very short-lived abusive marriages, I had basically been homeless since I was 13 up until about 3 years ago. Feeling unwanted and a burden everywhere I went. I could never understand why two people who used to tell me that they “picked me out” and wanted me so badly could toss me when things became tough. I pray that little guy has truly found his family and he doesn’t have to go through anymore upheaval. From one adoptee to another, thank you.
This brought tears. I cannot imagine what Huxley is feeling and pray he is loved and cared for by a compassionate and loving family. He deserves this. I feel your passion and pain and what has happened angers me extremely. Kids are not props. Thank you for this post.
To the person that said to feel for Myka’s biological kids in their pain of getting Huxley, their sibling, taken away from them— what makes you think the biological children are any better than Myka? Narcissism is the most highly inherited personality disorder, with a heritability index of 0.64 to 0.71 . there is a Good chance, people, that the biological kids also don’t have empathy for Huxley!! Since empathy,real not faked, is something narcissists are deficient in. What they are not deficient in is their ability to manipulate and their need for attention!!!
https://www.news-medical.net/health/Heritability-of-Narcissism.aspx
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3606922/
I just learned of this horrific story. Thank you for so eloquently speaking truths for Huxley. This sure is an ugly unbrave new world where walking dumpster fires like Myka and husband are paid by the public via social media to abuse and use children. I can’t think of anything more atrociously evil. As an adoptee myself, I can’t begin to fathom the future for this little boy when he finds out what was done to him. Sending love.
I was adopted at birth. Then I was abandoned again at age 12. As a baby who’d been in the uterus of a woman who’d been trying to give herself an abortion, I was completely freaking out once I was born and not getting any help from anyone, only drugged to be quiet and isolated. I was too much for my adoptive parents who were not willing to learn anything about complex adoption trauma and they needed a complete break from me. I was tricked into going away to a private boarding school in another country and I never really came *home* to anywhere after that. I felt permanently unlovable, and as though I not only did not belong, but could not belong, anywhere, to anyone.
My second abandonment re-stimulated my original trauma to such an extent that I became driven by rage and defiance. I was suicidal. Anxious and depressed, of course. I cannot begin to write what I have been through. I have started to try, in case it can help others.
I think of Huxley, and his ability to understand all of this. If he ever wonders about his life. If he’s ok. May he be free of the suffering imposed on him by the greed and stupidity of the Stauffers and the adoption industrial complex in general.